I know you are trying your hardest and i apologized for being unkind but i really cannot help feeling a deep sense of frustration.

What a crazy weekend with my emotions on a perpetual rollercoaster.
Had a chilling out saturday night halloween party at my place with friends eating tow huey, sausages, chips, salad with smoke salmon, cheese, bread, beer and drinks, watching silly horror movies. Not sure if everyone had fun cos everyone looked really tired. Must apologize to those who didn't really fancy watching horror movies. Maybe we should have a comedy night instead. Actually got some little costume thingies which i wanted to let everyone wear, but judging from the mood and my own insipid attitude, i think the stuff can be saved for next year.

Yes.
Looks like London is off too.
Now what am i left with?

Ok.
Aussie is off.
So London here i come!

Think i am coming down with something.
Sniff.
Cough.
Seems like my parents too.

Some habits are hard to break.

My cat is shredding fur like rain.
Doc say it's normal since singapore doesn't have four seasons.

Some memories and thoughts are ingrained into your mind.
Seeped into your subconscious.
Its not something you have control of.
Its an insidious presense which leaves a slimy film over your reality.
Its pervasive.
Its subversive.
It does not eat away the original healthy memories.
Only seeking to perfect it into a mutated form.
A thinking parasite.
It grows with you.
It grows into you.
There is no cure but you may survive with it in co-existent if only you removed every other healthy living memories.
It can sustain you but when you attempt to start rebuilding, it will start attacking your infrastructure and weaken you even more.
You have to remain passive.
You cannot fight it.
To survive,
perhaps is to lose control.

I think...

Realization no 47:

I have not stopped counting the days.

Its been 161 days.

Realization no 46:

I have a very good memory which i have absolute no control of.

Realization no 45:

I have a very good memory.

Anything and everything can be a habit.
Having coffee every morning.
Jogging.
Smoking.
Drinking.
Clubbing.
If we want to and try, we can make new habits.
I can try to blog everyday.
I will go jogging each evening.
Roller blading every weekend.
Go for yoga on saturday.
Seeing you.
Or perhaps not seeing you.
Talking on the phone.
Smsing.
Logging on. Surfing webs.
And sometimes when we try hard enough, we can break our habits.
Quit smoking.
Quit drinking.
Quit sitting on my butt watching tv every night.
Quit logging on.
Quit seeing you.

Little habits i noticed for myself.
Brushing my teeth every morning and every night.
Visiting the toilet after meals.
Looking at my phone the minute i wake up.
Calling you.
Not calling you.

I am going to make new habits.

I am always saying "I understand".
But really.
What do i really understand?

Watched Changing Lanes alone last night.
Its my usual movie cum sushi dinner thing by myself.
Have not done that in ages.
The solitude was overpowering for a bit during dinner.
And i wonder what am i suppose to say to myself.
Then came the movie and it took the necessity of confronting myself out the window.
I am not sure i am ready to be my own friend again yet after being my own enemy for so long.
But i will try.

Past week.

Busy busy busy.
Had to help plan the script and what nots of filming one of my kids for a presentation at a conference.
That's really just extra work.
Not to say i am complaining, after all, i am glad to be given that kind of responsibility.
Just tiring at times.
Then was specifically "requested" by big boss to emcee for our volunteer appreciation day together with my collegue despite her wanting us to reprise our D&D performance again next friday. Its really crazy to have to prepare all that while we are having case conference. Not to mention emcee-ing.
Urgh.
Can't say no i guess.
I want to sit down and have dinner for once in peace.
Sigh.

Finished all my case conference reports.
Hurrah!
Then of course, there are the referral reports i have to finish.
Oh what the heck.
I need a mini break ( to quote bridget jones).

The yoga teacher asked us to think of one positive thing in our lives in that moment.

And i thought that I am glad to be alive now.
Who will take care of ruski if i am gone?

Went to a yoga class on saturday.
Definitely something i want to continue with, even though my bones felt like its fallen apart.
I particularly enjoy the deep breathing exercises.
I must say i never breathe so well before.